Natural Philosophy 101: Blowtorch Theory and Ideology is a speculative science-fiction-philosophy talk about black holes, life, and the search for meaning after the death of God. We will start with natural philosophy, the mode of inquiry we used before science and philosophy split apart, to the detriment of both. We'll then move through Lee Smolin’s cosmological natural selection and Julian Gough’s Blowtorch Theory. From there we will explore a strange question: if universes reproduce through black holes, and if intelligence may someday learn to create black holes, could life itself be part of a cosmic reproductive strategy? Is this the reason life exists? Is black hole formation the ultimate utility function of the universe? Is this the foundation for a new class of hyper-efficient ideologies? The answer to all three of those questions is "probably not".